Growth, or Lack Thereof

There have been a lot of things that I've grown out of with age. For instance, I have grown out of diapers, shoes and the first grade. Um, I've also grown out of some of the petty childishness that most children are afflicted with: acute (unconscious) selfishness, needless arguments (or what I deem needless...), and an unwillingness to do what is asked/required of me, for example. It has come to my attention, though, that two things in particular I have not had the grace to grow out of, and I am not hopeful in that I don't think these things will ever be satisfactorily resolved, not in this life at least (Oh the glorious beauty of heaven, made sure by the glorious misery of the cross!). These two things are a foolishness and a deep-rooted pride.

One might notice the pride right away, but the foolishness is much more cleverly hidden (at least so I think...:-P). I do have this one consolation, though, in light of these sins or shortcomings: I can be absolutely assured of having my pride mortified everyday through some foolishness or another. And though others might not be able to see it so well, I am most acutely aware of my folly, and therefore am most convicted by it. (Although it is probably my pride which strives most to hide my foolishness.)

Some may wonder what, exactly, I mean by foolish. In my case, I believe my foolishness stems from a more conscious selfishness, a wrong desire to be noticed (and how that works I do not know), and perhaps a false sense of humility. My cover is a quiet nature which does not offer much in way of words, for fear of being found out. I need prayer that I would delve deeper and deeper into God's word and that I would be continually repentant. I would also pray for results that include a more cheerful and helpful disposition, and a much more pliable attitude. I have always been stubborn; I am certainly stubborn to change in my heart as well. It is so hard for me to give up a sin, but once I do, I am so much happier and so much closer to God. I spend much time mortifying a sin, only to allow it to crop up in another area of my life. My mind is willing, but my spirit is weak...or my mind is not very willing at all, so my spirit is virtually non-existent. This is a bit of an exaggeration, because I dearly love my Savior Jesus Christ and long to conform closely to His image. It is just something that I cannot do as naturally as some. I do not pretend, either, to assume that complete submission to Jesus is natural for anyone; I merely observe, in my everyday life, that some people have a happy spirit that relinquishes their sin very readily.

Well, I have managed to ramble on a lot again. These are just the beginnings of a thought process that I have been going through, and I am confident that the Lord will use all of this to help me grow more and more in His grace and to become more and more like Him.

"'Cheerfully and gratefully I lay myself and all I am or own at the feet of Him who redeemed me with His precious blood, engaging to follow Him, bearing the cross He lays upon me.' This is the least I can do, and I do it while my heart lies broken and bleeding at His feet."

This is an excerpt from Stepping Heavenward by Elizabeth Prentiss. Though my situations are not like the main character's, I still feel, to an extent, what she was feeling at this point, and my desires are the same: to cheerfully and gratefully lay myself down at the foot of the cross, giving up everything that I hold to my self, and letting Christ take my whole entire life for eternity.

And to close, here are the words of a beautiful Psalm, that actually remind me that obeying/submitting to the Lord hardly feels like obedience because His words and commands actually illuminate our life and give us joy and all good things unimaginable.

Psalm 19:7-11
"The law of the Lord is perfect, reviving the soul.
The statutes of the Lord are trustworthy, making wise the simple.
The precepts of the Lord are right, giving joy to the heart.
The commands of the Lord are radiant, giving light to the eyes.
The fear of the Lord is pure, enduring forever.
The ordinances of the Lord are sure, and altogether righteous.
They are more precious than gold, than much pure gold;
they are sweeter than honey, than honey from the comb.
By them is your servant warned; in keeping them there is great reward."

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