I think that the reason passive-aggressive behavior is so appealing is because it comes with no commitment. What I mean is that, no matter what you say, you can pass off your statements as something you "didn't really mean," or you were "just talking to yourself," or "oh no, I meant someone totally different." It's an easy pass but you still get to speak your mind.
Now to be honest, when "confronted" with passive-aggressiveness, my immediate tendency is to be passive-aggressive right back. For instance, if someone says "I hate it when people don't wash their dishes," I'm like, "Yeah...me too..." Now the nice thing is that if this comment was directed towards me, I can pretend like it wasn't, and then go hurriedly wash my dishes in secret and never make that mistake again. No one will ever know, and every body wins, right?
Wrong! I don't think there are winners in passive-aggressiveness. I think it breeds bitterness, fosters grudges, and develops unnecessary divides in relationships. I think it allows us to get away with murder, while only paying for frustration.
The other day, I was printing off some papers at work. I was printing to a different printer since my normal one was broken. As I walked up to get my papers, a clearly frustrated individual said loudly "Aarrggg SOMEONE isn't printing to a job box!" Now first, some clarification. We usually print to job boxes so that our work doesn't get mixed up with others. I did not have a job box set up to that printer since that was not my usual printer. Hence, I was the offender, and I heard the statement. And I knew that it was most likely directed at me, whether the individual knew it or not.
At this point, I had two options: 1. I could have just not said anything, pretended like I did have a job box, and discreetly gather my scattered papers at a later time, or 2. I could say something and end it there. I chose, at this moment, to say ironically, "That someone is probably me." And then I calmly gathered my papers that the disgruntled person was tossing around, affirming the fact that it absolutely was me, and walked away.
Thwarted! A passive-aggressive confrontation that did not end passive aggressively. It basically ended with the individual being exposed, putting a face to their frustrated comment. And then effectively shutting them up, since they were embarrassed that the offender "found out" and acknowledged it.
However, if I could do it again, I would choose a 3rd option. I should have said "I'm sorry I haven't set up a job box on this printer yet - I know those are helpful for paper control. I think that's my stuff that was mixed up in yours. Thanks for dealing with it!" Instead of being retributive and extracting justice, I should have been kind and understanding. And that is, I believe, the only way to effectively deal with passive-aggressive behavior.
Ultimately, I think people are afraid of other people's reactions (and rightfully so...see my option 2 above...). So, naturally, the passive-aggressive approach is the best way to be heard and yet to not ruffle too many feathers (unless, of course, the accused person chooses to respond - again, option 2). But this does not foster a real relationship. It makes for relationships built on little to no direct, honest communication. This is a problem!
The only way we can fix it is by starting with ourselves. I think that if we're willing to become humble and open, we are able to invite others into our lives honestly and openly. This allows for people to explain hurts, offenses, anger, and pain in a safe environment, knowing that we will listen and not strike out in return. Basically, we want to be approachable people, not stand-offish. Once we work on this in our own hearts, we can also begin to communicate openly with other people, eliminating the need for passive-aggressive comments forever!
This kind of relating is dangerous and involved - but it is also real. And I would much rather have real relationships than safe ones.
I know no one really reads this, but if you happen to by some accident stumble across this, what are your thoughts on passive-aggressive statements and their solutions?
1 comment:
Very thoughtful and helpful post! Thank you...M.
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